HOW TO TEXT A GROWN-ASS WOMAN:
ONE TEXT AT A TIME
Texting is writing. And writing should be informed by your audience and the goal of your communication. Do you want to get to know a woman? Deepen an existing relationship with a woman you like and admire? Hook up? Or do you want to become fodder for that woman’s laments about the troglodyte wankers in her life?
Good news: you (mostly) control the answer, by using some basic ground rules.
You and your textee are entitled to courtesy and dignity. You both have (hopefully) full and interesting lives. Operate from that premise, and be calm and patient:
Example No. 1:
Guy: “it was great to meet you at[location], and I enjoyed our conversation about LCD Soundsystem. Perhaps we can discuss further over coffee next week. How does your schedule look?”
Guy: [three minutes later]: “I sent you a text and you didn’t reply. Could you please reply or have you already friendzoned me?”
*Sigh* Don’t be that guy. Once you send a simple, short, concrete text, STOP. Let that text sit there and breathe. You are busy and important and confident. As a result, you do not have the time to send a second text. So don’t. She is busy and important, too, so she may not get back to you immediately.
You can also communicate your level of respect (or lack thereof) in the timing and substance of your texts. Compare:
Example No. 2:
Guy, at 3 p.m.: “how did your presentation go?”
Example No. 3:
Guy, at 3 a.m.: “you up? I’m in your neighborhood.”
If you are interested in getting to know a woman better, Example No. 2 is a good direction. You can reference a previous communication and demonstrate that you listened and that you care. Psst: Example No. 2 is also more likely to lead to a hook up. Thoughtful at 3 p.m. can easily transition to greater intimacy hours/days/weeks later, if that is where you both want the conversation to go.
Example No. 3, on the other hand, is unlikely to succeed in the moment, because it relies on an important contingency: wakefulness. She cannot invite you over if she is already snoozing away. Think back to some of your other hook ups: they required some time on your part and trust on hers, right? If you do send a spontaneous message like Example No. 3, word it so you can make progress in your conversation, even if she reads it the next morning.
The tone of your texts may fluctuate from thoughtful (“here’s a link to an article about that topic you like”) to bomchickawahwaaaah sexy (“thinking about your/how we/how I’d like to[NSFW]”). But keep in mind that this shift may take a looooooong time to unfold.
Example No. 4:
Guy: “what’s up?”
Grown-Ass Woman: “Just finishing up at work, and headed to see that documentary on poverty’s implications on society.”
Guy: [sudden pic of Guy nekkid].
See what’s missing? There should be some transitional texts, and extremely specific consent to veer into a sexytimes direction. Imagine what might have happened if, in the above example, Guy asked her if she wanted to stop by for a nightcap after the movie.
Don’t rush your conversations. Let them unfold incrementally. Be mindful of context, timing, substance and tone. Allow her responses (or lack thereof) to guide you. Ask questions and make suggestions that give your texts some forward momentum.