How To Flirt With A Woman (NOT!)
Ladies, I want to apologize.
As a male, I know what’s going on here. You open your Snapchat. You click the little red square. And next thing you know, you’re looking at a small handful of… you know.
…Come on, you know.
And I’m sure you’ve asked yourself, God knows how many times, “Why did he send me that?”
Let’s take a tour of the male brain, shall we?
On the left, you’ll see a nice vintage collection of Huster magazine covers. Very retro. Very chic.
And on the right, a self-portrait of a nude woman—you, actually—in a bathrobe, with the left flap pulled slightly to the side and exposing your bare leg from hip to toe.
Down the hall here, you’ll see we have a collection of…
You get the idea.
As guys, we can’t help it. It’s all we think about.
How To Text Flirt With A Girl–Apology Edition
And as a guy, by the way, I’d like to point something out. You do this too, ladies. One minute, we’re talking about dogs and peanut butter and Frisbee, and the next you’re shirtless in your bed with your arm over your bare chest (which is so eloquently posturing your pillows into perky placement) with the caption, “Just hanging out” written below it.
You do this too.
You’re just better at it than we are. Also, our goods don’t look as good as yours.
But we try! My, my, how we try. We really wish our private photos held the same level of engagement as your steamy shower selfies and your black lace goodnight photos. Maybe we’re just not as practiced. Who knows. But just know, we’re trying. Ok? We’re trying.
In our minds, this is a great idea. This is an even more intentional route than sitting in Tinder chats all day trying to come up with the perfect opener—”If you’re the cheating type, just lie to me and say no, OK?”
You see, that moment when we’re sitting there with our phones, the sun going down, just us, our lonely apartment and our bag of half-cooked popcorn, we genuinely want to tell you how we feel—and how we’re feeling is, well, pretty direct. We know what we want. We want you to know what we want. And as much as we’d like to come up with some clever foreplay to convince you to get out of your sweatpants, put some makeup on, and come over, that just sounds like entirely too much work. So we pull our pants down. No, this wasn’t completely thought through. Yes, there are probably better methods out there. But one thing is for certain: At least now you know exactly what our intentions are.
(And this is the big caveat.)
The guys that send photos of their junk completely unwarranted—as in, you left zero insinuation that you wanted anything more than to share in some casual conversation about the weather—well, who knows. Maybe they’re going for shock value (did it work?). Maybe they hope their size will make up for the fact that they still can’t quite figure out the difference between your and you’re in a text message. Or maybe the increase is unwarranted dick pics being sent is a direct result of Trump’s run for election (“you know it, I know it, we all know it”). Regardless, I am sorry. As a male, I apologize for the I’m sure very shocking moment wherein you opened your Snapchat and found yourself staring at a hairy, misshaped, handful of, “Oh my god…”.”
Need help making that hottie swoon? Check out our guide to texting: How To Text A Girl You Like.