A Dick Pic! How Thoughtful!
I don’t know how this began.
I mean, Egyptian gods and pharaohs did have tiny little junk in hieroglyphs, true.
People have pressed their parts into copy machines during drunken holiday parties for years.
But dick pics are a puzzling, and sometimes hilariously disturbing phenomena that belongs solely to the digital age.
So, how’d we get here? And more importantly, how do we leave again?!?
We started with online profiles to find love, and that usually required some semblance of politeness. Yes, the pictures could be just about anything – you, you fifteen years ago, you from six feet away and slightly under the bathroom counter. You know, so you look taller. (what were you thinking?!)
Even the text *mostly* stayed within the boundaries.
If the boundaries were the size of Saturn, and shaped like an ink-blot test. But there was some modicum of politeness. Though I will say that I was forced at one point to write this tidbit as my profile opening, based on the utter and complete BS I was getting:
Based on my interactions here on this site, I should probably say a few things:
-If your opening line is “ur hot” or some other text abbreviated thing, don’t.
-If you’re going to ask me to spank you in your first email, really don’t.
-If after reading my profile you decide that poor grammar and horrific spelling are a turn-on for me, you’ve fallen asleep and drooled on your keyboard. Reboot and keep moving.
I didn’t make any of those things up in my head. I mean, I could, because that’s what I do. Those came from real “communications” from real guys.
Flirting With A Girl
If you read my last post on what not to text a girl, you’ll know everything started with Ding.
And then, it was followed with a dong.
I can pretty safely say that there’s nothing more….shocking? Startling? Make-me-laugh-til-I-snort-inducing? than an unsolicited dick pic. And how cool is that, “unsolicited dick pic” is an actual phrase. Go ahead, I’ll wait while you ask your friends at Google.
Or, being the super helpful person I am, I did it for you:
One guy got way more than he bargained for (SFW, but only kinda)
18 of the most hilarious shutdowns, post-dick-pic (again, kinda SFW)
The bottom line
But the more I read, the more I realized this isn’t just a passing bit of hilarity. I mean, c’mon folks, dicks just aren’t the prettiest bits in the fleshy kingdom. No matter their state – relaxed, might be paying attention, or TOTALLY THINKING OF YOU, they’re mostly not cute.
The relative cuteness isn’t the point of sending their digital likeness, though. In several pieces, women did research and asked men why they send dick pics.
The results took a sudden left turn:
Logical: It’s just like porn, who doesn’t love free porn?
Pathetic: no one pays attention to me, so I’m trying to be shocking
Perv: it’s like shouting at a girl from a moving car
So massively pervy and wrong: the power that comes from forcing a woman to look at the pic
When I read that last admission, (and not just from one guy, but apparently many), my coffee suddenly got a little whiskey-er so I could keep going. (I’m also a whiskey writer, so I’m calling it “research”)
Only you can prevent unsolicited dick pics
While some of these intentions are relatively innocent, and get some hilarious reactions, (“send a picture of a BIGGER dick, a dick with a future”), some of them clearly aren’t.
Let’s try this approach: only send a pic of your junk if she asks. That seems pretty easy, right?
Because if you don’t, someone might put your dick in a frame and call it art.